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Tough Mudder
In October I did the 12 mile Tough Mudder with a couple of my coworkers. No clue how people come up with some of these obstacles like the ‘Ball Shrinker,’ ‘Arctic Enema,’ ‘Electroshock Therapy,’ or ‘Mud Mile.’ I was caked in mud and clay from head to toe, and I definitely had brown water leaking out of all my orifices. Despite the fun, challenge, and insanity of each obstacle, there were 3 that made me realize something about myself…
I have a genuine fear of heights…
I almost never get anxious at challenges, but holy, it took me forever to overcome the heights obstacles. There was one obstacle called the ‘Funky Monkey.’ Picture the roof of a house and monkey bars scaling up to the apex, then down. You’re high up about 10 feet and a muddy pool below. I got to the highest point and that’s when dem sons’a’bitches decide to space the bars further apart so you gotta swing like a stupid monkey to grab the declining bars. And because I’m vertically challenged, there was no way I was able to reach. So I hung there… f..o..r..e..v..e..r….too terrified to fall. So I ended up just waiting for my strength to give out. Needless to say, the macho mucho guy behind me, was also hanging there f..o..r..e..v..e..r.. … wonder if he was pissed.
Another obstacle was ‘Walk the Plank.’ I initially thought this would be a piece of cake. All I had to do was walk and fall 15 feet into more cold muddy water. After several fake attempts to actually jump, my coworkers who had already crossed were waiting and yelling helpful tips to have me jump already.
The other heights obstacle was called the ‘Smoke Chute,’ and I want to say this was where I got girl-stupid. It was the surprise obstacle that wasn’t explained on the website. So you climb up this wooden ladder onto a high platform that leads into an enclosed box. And in the box the only way onward was to fall down a singular vertical chute, a dark intimidating abyss, which becomes a slide at the bottom. I sat on the ledge and let people pass me for I dunno how long. A lot of people tried to help me but I just couldn’t. So I ended up just telling them the protocol that they had to yell ‘CLEAR!’ before they fall in. I was hopeless and they saw it, so they went on and passed me in the box. I had to do the obstacle! But I couldn’t! But I had to!!! But I couldn’t! This agonizing debate was going on in my head forever! So now the crazy was kicking in of confusion and frustration and annoyance… Then suddenly, I turned around to see another mudder climbing in the box and the drama ceased…my brained stopped, the world stopped, everything stopped…I was awestruck and dumbfounded-girl-retarded. Gorgeous muddy guy kneels next to me in the box with the most memorizing light yellow/amber/tint-of sea-green/golden/god-knows-what-color eyes and I can’t even explain it. He looks at me, and I stare at him and feebly say,
“I’m frightened…”
Of all words…
And clearly I was having difficulties falling in the hole. In the midst of my fear he looked me straight in the eyes and said he wouldn’t go until I went. And simply with that, I was determined to do it. I attempted to fall in the chute a number of times and every failed attempt I would just stare back into his deep soft amber sunshine eyes as if it was giving me all the strength in all the land of Tough Mudder. He cared! And I felt like an idiot, laughing on the inside, but my face showed nothing but genuine fear and absolute appreciation for this guy with every stare. So finally… I fell…. Fear forgotten, and my coworker Blueberry Scone was waiting for me at the bottom of the muddy pool knowing all along that I was chicken shit and sitting in the box giving myself a melt-down. As we started to continue our run, I felt a pat on the shoulder from behind and Mr. Beautiful Savior gave me one last deep look of ‘good luck’ and the look I gave back was of ‘thanks you saved my life.’ …(you perfect guy I’d like to lick your mud off your face) and we parted ways forever….
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Cheesy?. His eyes were just that unreal! He could like, stop babies from crying or talk people out of committing horrendous crimes with just one look . He could be the people whisperer… Hell, he could be the most interesting man in the world. Hell, he fixed my fear of heights.